Posts Tagged ‘Top Gear’

1. I would like to see Jeremy Clarkson as Prime Minister. Or King. Or fucking ruler of the universe. What with his brilliantly politically incorrect musings and satirical metaphors about… whatever it is he talks about (I rarely listen) he would surely succeed where so many others have failed.

2. I would like to see Jeremy Clarkson brutally murdered by four homosexual men (4 Poofs and a Piano?), who batter him to death with their erect penises, and then I’d like to see him be fed to his children while his wife masturbates over the whole thing.

Just a couple of varying opinions about Jeremy Clarkson there to show I’m not biased. Obviously I wouldn’t wish for either to be true but it’s just a joke, Jeremy.

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I’m a man and I know nothing about cars. There, I’ve said it. There seems to be this common assumption that if you have a penis and a pair of testicles you must know about everything motor-related. I don’t. I do have a penis and a pair of testicles but I don’t know anything motor-related. On numerous occasions I’ve been in situations where some chap has started talking to me about cars and I’ve just nodded my head and smiled as the words float over my head and into nothingness. On the odd occasion that I do admit my ignorance it’s often followed by strange looks and a dismissal of my existence.

I do like cars. They’re good for driving. I even had one once and it was brilliant and getting me from A to B and sometimes C. When I went to purchase it I had to have another man – a proper man – with me to assess the vehicle and its suitability. He would push things and open things and ask about things while I just stood there with a look of genuine confusion of my face. When they engaged in conversation I felt as though I was watching a foreign film without the subtitles.

I once accompanied a girl friend (not girlfriend) of mine on her search for a new car. I’d already confessed my sheer stupidity when it comes to that sort of thing but I think she just wanted the company. At every dealer we went to the salesman directed everything he had to say in my direction. They were presumptuous about me and patronising towards my friend.

I’m not ashamed of knowing nothing about cars. I don’t find them interesting so I don’t feel a need to know about them. I just wish people wouldn’t assume I care about them and start telling me about what car they had/have/are going to get. I couldn’t possibly care less and I don’t understand the words emanating from their mouth. Please don’t talk to me about cars. And Top Gear is shit as well.