Posts Tagged ‘Sex’

I’ve covered a variety of subjects on this blog and shared an opinion or two. Occasionally I’ve entered what could be considered relatively dark territory. Words have been used and pictures have been published that some people find quite hard to stomach. However, rightly or wrongly, this blog does generate considerable traffic. It’s surprising to me as I only advertise it on Facebook and even then I know that the vast majority of my very best and oldest friends make no effort whatsoever to read it.

One of the primary means of people finding this blog is via search engines. Good old Google and Bing and other search engines that apparently exist but no sod uses. One of the best things about WordPress is that they provide you with your site stats. One of the stats included is ‘Search Engine Terms’ which, as you have probably figured out, lists all of the things people have typed into a search engine to then end up on this site. I wish to share these search engine terms with you.

Now before you carry on I should warn you that some of these terms aren’t pretty. There are obviously some mental-in-the-face-fucked-up people who use the internet and some of those people have visited this blog unfortunately. Despite this, there are also some things that people have typed into a search engine that is laugh-out-loud funny. What you’re about to see is entirely unedited and absolutely real. Enjoy!

Search Views
fat girls 3,180
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head lateral view 1
big fatties 1
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fat girls… 1

Do you notice any themes there? You won’t be surprised to find out that ‘Fat Rant’ is the most read thing that I’ve written.

It’s not entirely an accident that this blog attracts that sort of attention. I know that writing about things like sex and weight and alcohol and Harry Potter is going to generate more traffic than if I chose to write about knitting and ornaments and milk (although I appreciate they also very much do have an audience). I use pictures that I know, when it comes to posting the link of Facebook, people will see and want to click. That’s why there’s so much near-nudity and lesbians. People like near-nudity and lesbians. Near-nudity and lesbians sell. And fat ones are even better apparently. Preferably black or Asian.

The first time you have sex with a new person it’s exciting and kind of awkward. If you’ve been in sexual relationships before then you’ve become accustomed to a certain routine perhaps and the chances are your new partner has as well. All you can do really to begin with is stick to what you know and hope for the best. Sometimes it goes well but often it doesn’t. You’re too set in certain ways, as are they. You feel around and try your best but ultimately the climax is a relief and you’re glad it’s over. Then there’s the real awkwardness of afterwards. Television manages to portray sex as this wonderful coming together of two people – and it is – but once it’s over it cuts to them sleeping in each others arms all perfect and clean. Sex is anything but clean. The bit television always seems to omit is the part when someone has to clean up. That’s when the real awkwardness starts. Do you think, “Right, we’re done”, and clean up straight away? Do you take a moment to lie there and hold the moment whilst at least one of you is thinking, “This is going to drip”? Or do you try to make light of the things by acknowledging the situation but essentially killing the mood? It’s a dilemma.

The next few times you have sex things gradually get better. You start to learn what the other person likes and what works. You begin to become accustomed to this new person. It even starts being quite fun. The relationship at this point will be starting to settle. Both of you will be enjoying each others company and won’t be as constantly self-conscious as you were at the beginning. This is when your sex life becomes truly bliss. Now there’s hardly a moment that passes where you’re not having sex. If you’re not eating or watching EastEnders then you’re having sex. Sex when you wake up, sex after lunch, sex in the evening, sex in the early hours, sex when you wake up, sex after lunch, sex in the evening, sex in the early hours, sex when you wake up, sex after lunch, sex in the evening, sex in the early hours…. and so on.

Once you’ve had so much sex that you’ve lost a considerable amount of weight, things start to die down a bit. Sex is still good but it’s less frequent. Instead you tend to eat more and watch a number of other TV shows as well as EastEnders. You’ve been together for a fair while now. You’re happy but the initial excitement has died down and is replaced by contentment. After some time you think your sex life can do with reigniting. Then comes the experimental stage.

You’re both entirely comfortable with each other by this point. You’ve become at ease with your partner’s  body and they’re at ease with yours. There’s no longer any inhibitions. This is when you decide to experiment sexually. Outfits, toys, positions, places, holes (sorry)… The kind of things you see on Channel 4 documentaries. Instead of looking at them at thinking, “What in God’s name are they doing!?”, you think, “Maybe we should try that? Be interesting to at least do it once”. And so you begin. Some things will turn out to be extremely pleasant and some things you’ll want to avoid again for the rest of your life and forget you ever did if at all possible.

The most significant part of the relationship is where your sex life is at after the experimental stage. You’ll either revert back to happiness and contentment with less frequent but still enjoyable sex or sex will feel more an obligation than a pleasure. If you do the former then the chances are you’ll eventually get married, have children and spend many happy years together. If you do the latter then things aren’t so idyllic. You’ll be bored and unhappy. There’s a good chance that one of you will be unfaithful and seek elsewhere for sexual relations. Even if that isn’t the case, your relationship is still a ticking time bomb. It’s just a matter of time before it all blows up. It may be cliché but when the sex dies so, ultimately, does the relationship.

After a while you’ll meet someone new. And the cycle begins all over again.

I don’t like pornography. I realise that this is an unusual and unexpected statement for a 23 year-old male to make but it really does nothing for me.

Now, I want to make it clear right away that I’m not some sort of asexual freak-monkey. I do like sex. I’ve even been lucky enough to have done it on a couple of occasions. If you were to say to me about a film that has, say, Jessica Alba naked in it , then I would want to watch that film. Even the seemingly endless supply of celebrity sex tapes are entertaining in their own little way (albeit not always in the way they’re intended). I just want to establish the fact that I’m not repulsed by sex in general. Just porn.

The primary reason porn does nothing for me is the fact that porn stars are generally hideous. The girls wear surgically-enhanced breasts, copious amounts of make-up, fake tan, fake nails and fake fuck-knows what else. I’ve never found any of that attractive. Even the failed actresses and ex-reality TV stars that pose in Zoo or Nuts magazine are total dogs. Fake breasts are a massive turn off for me. I used to fancy Gemma Atkinson when she was in Hollyoaks but as soon as she decided to have those ridiculous breast implants I just wasn’t attracted to her. Fake breasts don’t look real and they’re never in proportion. Same goes for fake tan and nails – they look so false that it’s just not attractive. The likes of Jodie Marsh and Katie Price make me want to vomit. They look like ugly caricatures of ugly women. The men in porn, on the other hand, are roided up freaks with the looks of a radio presenter. They just happen to have enormous penises in most cases.

Secondly, there’s the noises that the girls are required to make. They are utterly ridiculous and totally unrealistic. Which girls can honestly say that they make that sort of racket when they’re having sex? I mean, obviously there’s a fair bit of moaning and groaning going on (oh yes, I’ve been there) but seriously, who screams “Oh yeah, baby! Fuck me good! Fuck my face! Shove your cock down my throat ’til I choke!” at the top of their voice throughout the whole of the love-making experience? They continue to make the ludicrous noises even when the dopey tosser they’re supposed to be having sex with isn’t inside them. They’re not displaying genuine pleasure or emotion, they’re just really bad actresses. The guy, on the other hand, seems only to ever say “Do you like my cock?” every 15 seconds. What a stud.

Thirdly, it’s the things they actually do. It might do it for some guys but I don’t want to see a girl with come all over her face. Nor do I want to see how wide she can open her anus. And when did a man whacking his cock against a girls face become an attractive proposition? It just looks wrong and shows the girls to be nothing but sex objects.

Then there’s the really weird stuff. The stuff you hear about but don’t watch unless you’re warped. People pissing on each other, pregnant sex, cartoon porn, rape, incest, really fat women, really old women, transsexuals and sex with people going through chemotherapy, to name but a few. Actually, I made that last one up but I wouldn’t be surprised if it exists somewhere.

Another thing I genuinely don’t get is the fact that heterosexual men will say they’re able to watch man/girl and girl/girl porn but recoil at the idea of watching man/man porn, which is entirely understandable. Yet homosexual men will say they’re able to watch man/man, man/girl AND girl/girl. How does that work? If your sexuality is orientated to liking men and not women then surely there’s something a bit strange about watching two girls getting it on without a feeling of discomfort? It genuinely puzzles me. Although, I suppose we see animals copulate in wildlife documentaries without thinking too much of it. I’m not sure where I’m going with this bit…

Pornography is always going to remain a multi-million (billion? I haven’t done the research..) pound business regardless. I’m sure most guys (and girls) reading this think I’m mental but it’s how I feel. It’s so superficial and crude and with no sense of eroticism. It’s unattractive people doing unappealing things in my eyes. I just don’t “get it”. Each to their own though, I suppose.

Biologically speaking, we all have a brain in our head. Unfortunately, most of us don’t do our thinking with it. Some people do. In any given situation they’re able to weigh up the pros and cons and reach a sensible decision. These people tend to be successful but they’re also usually incredibly boring. They’re way too rational. They only spend what they afford, they only go out when they know they have no plans for the next day, they’ll only have sex with condoms. Obviously they’re not bad choices to make at all but it’s a little relentless. They don’t do what they may want to do because they fear the consequences. They play it safe so nothing can go wrong. They rarely let their hair down.

Then you have the people who let the heart do their thinking. Everything is whimsical and exciting but often disastrous. These people let their emotions run away with them and no matter how often they get hurt, they go back for more. Some people do follow their heart in a different way though. They’re passionate about things like raising money for charities and aiding the poor or the elderly or the disabled. I feel these people too must be more frustrated than satisfied as they can only do so much. Very rarely is there a conclusion as these are things that don’t ever look likely to be fixed.

Head and heart are the primary sources that supposedly rule our actions but I propose there are two other parts of the body that have a say.

The fist. The thing you use when you want to punch something or someone. Some people appear to be little more than a pair of fists. If they go on a night out, they’re looking for a fight. If they go on a day out, they’re looking for a fight. If someone says something they take exception to, they look for a fight. If someone looks at them in a way they don’t like, they look for a fight. These people don’t have time for reasoning or rationalism, they just want to hit things. I’m not sure what possesses these people. I don’t know if they’re consumed with hate and anger or if they’re actually really happy folk that just get a perverse pleasure from causing physical pain.

The final thinking tool for people is the dick. You don’t need to be a man to think with your dick. These are males and females that let sex dictate everything they do. They just want to have sex. They also tend to cause a lot of trouble. Whether it be cheating on someone with someone, or shagging someone who’s cheating on someone or an unplanned pregnancy… It’s more hassle than it’s worth.

In truth, the vast majority of us think with a bit of all of them sometimes for better or worse. One notable thing I find is that none of them really seem to lead to happiness. The truly happy people are the people that don’t think at all. They’re too stupid and unaware of most things so not a great deal gets them down. Ignorance must truly be bliss.