Posts Tagged ‘Facebook’


I deactivated my Facebook account the other day. I’ll probably reactivate it again at some point but for the time being I can honestly say I’m not missing it. I’m surprised by this because Facebook had practically become a significant part of my daily routine. It was pretty much the first and last thing I would look at every day not to mention the dozen or so times I’d check it throughout. What I found though is it was increasingly irritating me. Not the website itself because it’s a very good social medium but the people on it were becoming unbearable. Not everyone obviously but enough people to convince me that I’d had enough of it.

The things that really irritated me were the endless pictures of people dying of cancer, pictures of baby scans, pictures of babies, song lyrics as statuses, statuses about how much someone loves their family, statuses about how they’re going to make a big change in their life (the people who write that do so every couple of weeks), terrible grammar, application invites and event invites to gigs I’m never going to attend. I also get really annoyed by some of the things that people like that I really hate. Things like Britain’s Got Talent, The Only Way is Essex, Mrs Brown’s Boys and Lee Evans. It makes me angry that people like those things and that is fundamentally my problem but I can’t help it.

Some of the things some people post on Facebook are really useful and/or entertaining. I like an intentionally funny or clever status update and I like it when people post things that are topical and interesting. I like it when people  post links to things I may not have read or seen before that I can check out for myself. I like it when people write about football because it interests me. I like it when girls come back from their holiday in a hot country and post pictures of themselves in their bikinis. I like the fact you can chat to people easily and send messages without having to trawl through a digital phone book. There are many aspects to Facebook that I do like but at the most the cons far outweigh the pros and my life hasn’t changed a great deal without it.

Twitter is a different story. I am hooked to Twitter. It’s far more truly social than Facebook is and it’s an incredibly useful tool when it comes to news and gossip. It also filters out the copious amounts of shit you can’t avoid on Facebook. I’m certain it’s all still there but you can go your whole time on Twitter without ever having to encounter it. Among the people I know, only a relatively small number of them are on Twitter. An even smaller number of them actually use it which I think is a shame. I understand how it can be difficult to adapt to it at first (I had my own difficulties to begin with) but if you persist you will soon come to terms with its brilliance and embrace it wholeheartedly.

The only problem with me not being on Facebook at the moment is that I’m not able to post the link to this blog on there. If hardly anyone reads this then I may have to re-evaluate my situation but if you could perhaps share it for me then I’ll be extremely grateful.

If you’ve been on Facebook recently then you’ll have noticed many people have changed their profile picture to that of a cartoon character. This is as a result of a viral campaign against violence towards children. The idea is that by having cartoon characters from our childhood as our profile picture we will see nothing but an invasion of wonderful memories until 6th December. It’s a lovely idea.

Over time the campaign has been associated with the NSPCC who have stated that they had nothing to do with starting the viral but are appreciative of the recognition it has generated for their work against violence towards children.

It’s actually been quite nice to log in to the social network site and see the various pictures of cartoon faces from the past. Upon seeing Bananaman, for example, on someone’s profile it’s difficult not to have a nostalgic smile smeared across your face. It’s a good idea even without the reasoning behind it. Who wouldn’t rather see a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine instead of the ugly mug that usually occupies that square space? I think everyone should do it permanently and just change which character they display on a weekly basis. Anyway, like most nice things in the world, some thick, stupid morons had to try and ruin it…

“ATTENTION: The group asking everyone to change their profile picture to their favourite cartoon character is actually a group of paedophiles. They’re doing it because kids will accept their friend requests faster if they see a cartoon picture. It has nothing to do with supporting child violence. IT’S ON TONIGHT’S NEWS! Copy and paste this to your status! Let everyone know !”

So paedophiles are forming groups now. I know if I was a paedophile then I’d definitely share that information with other people in the hope that they too would be a paedophile and we could go about setting up a group exclusively for paedophiles. We could then place a piece in the local paper advertising the fact that we’re recruiting paedophiles. We could arrange school trips that would have a completely different inclination to the school trips you go on when you’re at school. Ultimately we’d want to set up a worldwide internet campaign to get people to display cartoon characters as their profile picture so that children will accept our friend requests faster. Oh wait, that doesn’t even make sense. If the theory of having a cartoon character as a profile picture really will entice children to accept our friend requests faster then why would we need the rest of the world to do it too? Surely it would be a tad more inconspicuous if we just kept that theory amongst ourselves.

Incredible, isn’t it? There are so many flaws there that it’s amazing that anyone can think for even a second that it’s true. Even if you read it on someone’s status would you not feel inclined to find out more about it? What news programme was it supposed to have been on? The people who posted this drivel as their Facebook status obviously don’t watch the news.

As true as this all obviously isn’t, I had a lengthy argument with someone who is adamant that it’s distinctly possible. I was desperately trying to appeal to her common sense but she was having none of it. None of the points I made were going to change her mind. That’s when it dawned on me that this was an argument I was never going to win because you can’t win an argument with a stupid person. The situation reminded me of a sketch from ‘Jam’, the Channel 4 sketch show written by Christopher Morris (who coincidentally also wrote the Brass Eye paedophilia special which is another thing that continuously comes to mind when analysing this farce).

The gullibility and stupidity of some people is truly astounding. Especially when it comes to things posted on the internet. I myself am considering making up my own barefaced lie and posting in on Facebook with a “copy and paste this status if you.. blah, blah, blah” line at the end. It wouldn’t even have to be credible for people to believe it and spread the word. All I need to do is include a word that evokes some sort of emotion in (stupid) people even if they don’t understand the context. Something like ‘cancer’ or ‘war’ or ‘dead children’. I would use ‘paedophile’ but that wouldn’t feel wholly original right now.

For the time being just put a fucking kids character as your profile picture and smile about it.

Simon wants to talk about a particular type of Facebook status. The type of status that makes you want to throw up in the face of the person who has written it. The status that will guarantee to make you either cringe with embarrassment or just be angry for a good couple of minutes. The type of status that makes you want to delete the person who wrote it from your friends list. The type of status that you have to fight the urge to comment on because you know you’ll only write something really nasty. I feel there should be a specific name for this type of status but if there is I don’t know of it. The type of status I’m referring to always includes the word ‘love’ and the name of another person.

This Prick loves That Twat soooooooooo much. 2geva 4eva baby ❤ ❤ <3″

This is the kind of thing I’m talking about. If you write this kind of status and are oblivious to how much it makes me (and many others) hate you then this is a heads-up. It’s relentless. No one cares how happy you are. Yes you’re in love and that’s great but could you please just tell the person you’re actually in love with and not broadcast it to the rest of the world. The rest of the world could not possibly care any less.

There are times when it’s appropriate. Valentine’s Day perhaps. Maybe you’ve just got engaged or it’s your wedding day, in that case no one would begrudge you a lovey-dovey status. If your partner has just been killed in an accident then maybe you could be forgiven for pouring your heart out. These are the only circumstances I deem it acceptable to be a soppy sad-act in a status.

You might think that my hatred towards this type of status is down to the fact that I am a single man but no, I hate this kind of status because it makes me want to be sick with embarrassment and punch someone in the face (preferably someone much smaller than me).

If you’re guilty of subjecting the world to this cringeworthy crap then I implore you to stop immediately. You’re making me ill. Otherwise I’m just going to hope that your boyfriend/girlfriend dumps you for being such a pathetic human being.

End of status.