Posts Tagged ‘children’

Call me cynical but I can’t for the life of me understand the point of an advent calendar. Actually, that’s not true. I understand that an advent calendar is used to count down the days to the Nativity of Jesus at Christmas and I appreciate that this has a significance for Christians, but for everyone else? Really?

I know you don’t have to be a Christian to enjoy Christmas despite it being a religious festival. I realise the commercialisation factor has elevated/reduced it (depending on your point of view) to simply a day to buy expensive presents, eat far too much food and argue with family members you don’t particularly enjoy the company of. People are excited by this. I’m not but I know other people are. However, I still don’t understand how opening a little door made of card with a snotty little chocolate behind it, enhances this excitement in any way.

Don’t get me wrong, I love chocolate. If I ate as much chocolate as I would like to eat then I could easily be as fat as those women that people apparently come on this site to see. Chocolate is great. A bar of chocolate is great. A proper, decent-sized chocolate bar that is pure oral pleasure for the minute or so it takes to eat it. It doesn’t take a minute to eat a chocolate from an advent calander. It doesn’t even take a mouthful to eat a chocolate from an advent calendar. And people do it first thing in the morning. I don’t know any other time of the year where someone would wake up first thing in the morning and start munching on chocolate. It’s not a morning food.

I have nothing against doors either. I use doors all the time. They’re bloody brilliant. They open, they close, they serve a purpose. I can’t rate doors highly enough. However, tiny doors made of card scattered upon a larger, rectangular piece of card are not my cup of tea. Opening one of those doors serves no purpose to me. Sure, it counts down the days until Christmas but then so does a normal calendar. And everything else around us that incessantly reminds us how many days there are to go until Christmas. You can’t fail to know how many days remain. Even if you didn’t want to know, you’d know.

I always thought advent calendars were for children. Christmas is much more magical when you’re a child and it certainly helps generate the hysteria around this single day of the year. But I don’t know any children and I’ve still seen advent calendars in homes where my friends live and I know other people – adult people – who have one or plan to have one. It annoys me a bit. Adults should not be buying advent calendars for themselves. They just shouldn’t.

By this point you’ve either agreed with everything I’ve said or you think I’m a grumpy, miserable, bitter sod who just wants to suck the joy out of everything. I realise that the majority will be thinking the latter. I just think you should know that my problem isn’t with Christmas or people who like and enjoy Christmas, it’s with advent calendars. They’re crappy pieces of cardboard filled with crappy quality and quantities of chocolate. Some have toys or gifts! And the toys and gifts are shit. If you’re that desperate for measely amounts of chocolate and rubbish toys then buy Kinder Eggs in bulk and fill your boots.


If you’ve been on Facebook recently then you’ll have noticed many people have changed their profile picture to that of a cartoon character. This is as a result of a viral campaign against violence towards children. The idea is that by having cartoon characters from our childhood as our profile picture we will see nothing but an invasion of wonderful memories until 6th December. It’s a lovely idea.

Over time the campaign has been associated with the NSPCC who have stated that they had nothing to do with starting the viral but are appreciative of the recognition it has generated for their work against violence towards children.

It’s actually been quite nice to log in to the social network site and see the various pictures of cartoon faces from the past. Upon seeing Bananaman, for example, on someone’s profile it’s difficult not to have a nostalgic smile smeared across your face. It’s a good idea even without the reasoning behind it. Who wouldn’t rather see a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine instead of the ugly mug that usually occupies that square space? I think everyone should do it permanently and just change which character they display on a weekly basis. Anyway, like most nice things in the world, some thick, stupid morons had to try and ruin it…

“ATTENTION: The group asking everyone to change their profile picture to their favourite cartoon character is actually a group of paedophiles. They’re doing it because kids will accept their friend requests faster if they see a cartoon picture. It has nothing to do with supporting child violence. IT’S ON TONIGHT’S NEWS! Copy and paste this to your status! Let everyone know !”

So paedophiles are forming groups now. I know if I was a paedophile then I’d definitely share that information with other people in the hope that they too would be a paedophile and we could go about setting up a group exclusively for paedophiles. We could then place a piece in the local paper advertising the fact that we’re recruiting paedophiles. We could arrange school trips that would have a completely different inclination to the school trips you go on when you’re at school. Ultimately we’d want to set up a worldwide internet campaign to get people to display cartoon characters as their profile picture so that children will accept our friend requests faster. Oh wait, that doesn’t even make sense. If the theory of having a cartoon character as a profile picture really will entice children to accept our friend requests faster then why would we need the rest of the world to do it too? Surely it would be a tad more inconspicuous if we just kept that theory amongst ourselves.

Incredible, isn’t it? There are so many flaws there that it’s amazing that anyone can think for even a second that it’s true. Even if you read it on someone’s status would you not feel inclined to find out more about it? What news programme was it supposed to have been on? The people who posted this drivel as their Facebook status obviously don’t watch the news.

As true as this all obviously isn’t, I had a lengthy argument with someone who is adamant that it’s distinctly possible. I was desperately trying to appeal to her common sense but she was having none of it. None of the points I made were going to change her mind. That’s when it dawned on me that this was an argument I was never going to win because you can’t win an argument with a stupid person. The situation reminded me of a sketch from ‘Jam’, the Channel 4 sketch show written by Christopher Morris (who coincidentally also wrote the Brass Eye paedophilia special which is another thing that continuously comes to mind when analysing this farce).

The gullibility and stupidity of some people is truly astounding. Especially when it comes to things posted on the internet. I myself am considering making up my own barefaced lie and posting in on Facebook with a “copy and paste this status if you.. blah, blah, blah” line at the end. It wouldn’t even have to be credible for people to believe it and spread the word. All I need to do is include a word that evokes some sort of emotion in (stupid) people even if they don’t understand the context. Something like ‘cancer’ or ‘war’ or ‘dead children’. I would use ‘paedophile’ but that wouldn’t feel wholly original right now.

For the time being just put a fucking kids character as your profile picture and smile about it.

There are few things that annoy me as much as adults who read Harry Potter books. They’re children’s books. They’re aimed at children. Children. The little people who have yet to be exposed to the disillusionment of real life. Fantasy appeals to these little people as it prompts the imagination to run wild with impossibilities. As the little people transform into big people they’ll start to experience sex and drugs and financial difficulties and they’ll be exposed to deceit and disappointment and bad language. Drama. Reality.

There is an abundance of adult literature for adults to read. Adult literature. Literature aimed at adults. Adults. They’re the big people who have suffered – and continue to suffer – the disillusionment of real life. Their imagination disintegrated when television and the internet spoon fed them shit under the guise of entertainment. They’ve had sex and taken drugs and had no money and they’ve experienced deceit and disappointment and swear like motherfuckers. Drama. Reality.

So what does Harry Potter offer an adult? Is it the case that real life is so depressing that indulging and immersing ones self in children’s fantasy serves as a great escapism from life’s mundanity?  Or is it the case that with the dumbing down of television and entertainment in general, people just haven’t developed the intelligence to get their head around something more complex than a four-eyed wizard fucking about with other wizards? I think it’s the latter. I think a large portion of adults are too stupid to understand and enjoy a piece of literature that was initially aimed at their demographic. They’re too busy reading Dan Brown books and celebrity hardbacks.

It’s the rise of the idiots. The idiots watch The X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent and I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here and the like. The idiots read The Sun newspaper. The idiots laugh at Michael McIntyre and Peter Kay who simply “notice things”. The idiots have conversations about TV soaps as if they’re real life. The idiots listen to Chris Moyles on the radio. The idiots watch Jackass in 3-D. The idiots think the iPhone is still cool when ironically it’s because of the hysteria of these idiots that the iPhone couldn’t be any less cool.

The idiots don’t watch things like Cowards or The Thick of It. The idiots don’t read The Guardian. The idiots don’t laugh at Stewart Lee or Bill Hicks. The idiots don’t have conversations about the decline of quality content on TV. The idiots don’t listen to Ian Collins on the radio. The idiots don’t watch Four Lions on DVD. The idiots with iPhones aren’t aware of the ridicule they’re subject to from the rest of society.

At the moment the idiots are flocking to see the new Harry Potter film. A film based on a children’s book. A book aimed at children. Children. The next batch of idiots.