I’ve covered a variety of subjects on this blog and shared an opinion or two. Occasionally I’ve entered what could be considered relatively dark territory. Words have been used and pictures have been published that some people find quite hard to stomach. However, rightly or wrongly, this blog does generate considerable traffic. It’s surprising to me as I only advertise it on Facebook and even then I know that the vast majority of my very best and oldest friends make no effort whatsoever to read it.

One of the primary means of people finding this blog is via search engines. Good old Google and Bing and other search engines that apparently exist but no sod uses. One of the best things about WordPress is that they provide you with your site stats. One of the stats included is ‘Search Engine Terms’ which, as you have probably figured out, lists all of the things people have typed into a search engine to then end up on this site. I wish to share these search engine terms with you.

Now before you carry on I should warn you that some of these terms aren’t pretty. There are obviously some mental-in-the-face-fucked-up people who use the internet and some of those people have visited this blog unfortunately. Despite this, there are also some things that people have typed into a search engine that is laugh-out-loud funny. What you’re about to see is entirely unedited and absolutely real. Enjoy!

Search Views
fat girls 3,180
fat 449
really fat people 368
fat black girls 251
fat people 187
fists 163
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sex 122
really fat girls 110
bananaman 73
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head 58
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man dick 38
james corden fat 38
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جنس 4
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man pienis 2
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thing fist 2
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you fist 2
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fat gir 2
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fät girl look 2
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chubby ladies 2
love handle fetish 2
fat girls photo 2
beautiful !! overweight girls 2
fat girl eating chips 2
fat female 2
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the art of sleeping 2
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happy ignorant fat girl 2
really fat girl%2 2
cartoon fists 2
children girls fats 2
fist with money 2
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big ladies 2
rack and gear calculator 2
wordpress sapphic 2
pictures of wanting to punch someone 2
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see marsh simeon the cartoon naked 2
pigophilia means 2
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very fat women 2
two fist punching 2
fat photo 2
matt le tissier wife 2
picture of a fists 2
fat chciks 2
superted the twat 2
fries bar hoist 2
fist punch image 2
fat pussy 2
happy fat girls 2
idiot adults and harry potter 2
fatties attractive 2
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little fat girl 2
very fat girl 2
chubby girl and pizza 2
big people 2
fat girl eating mayonnaise 2
sexual life 2
lesbian porn girls 2
footballer crying 2
images of fat 2
why don’t men like fat girls 2
fat people with a “m” on them 2
fat girl fucking herself 2
have a nice time card 2
fat girl fucking 2
how a life cycle of sex start 2
fat girle 2
big black fat girl 2
asian fat girls 2
very fat woman 2
matt le tissier pics 2
elaborate facebook status 2
girls dancing 2
fat girls drinking 2
sex relationship 2
i like fat girls movie 2
goodnight calu 1
fat swetty people 1
the euthanasia calculator 1
this is why you are fat 1
banana man character 1
fat. 1
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fast food fatties 1
fat girls with pie 1
jam cant win an argument with a stupid person 1
comedian associated with paul whitehouse recently accused of possessing child porn 1
likes fat girls 1
fat photos 1
obese fat girls bum 1
fat face girl 1
fat fat fat girl 1
monkey dust armando iannucci shows league of 1
animated photos of euthanasia 1
simonseuthanasiadancecalculator 1
charlie brooker zeitgeist the movie 1
fat to fat 1
modern warfare 2 ps3 game 1
funniyest series ever league of gentlemen jam armando iannucci 1
zeitgeist euthanasia 1
league of gentlemen armando iannucci shows funny series 1
cartoon love heart 1
punch+fist 1
things you’ve never seen before.com 1
fat girl i will always love you 1
nice fat girl 1
fatties aren’t real people 1
fat girls spewing after eating too much 1
problem on sleeping 1
fat ladies fucking 1
dicke penise 1
involuntary euthanasia pictures 1
dancing fat girl 1
disgusting fat woman 1
monkey dust chris langham 1
. bnanamq 1
fat people porn 1
the funniest objects ever 1
black and fat girls 1
fat girls trying to be attractive 1
cute fat girl 1
how do fat people have sex 1
pic of a fat girl 1
matthew le tissier’s wife 1
fat girl kebab 1
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why do fat people annoy me 1
obscenely obese girls 1
fat females 1
happy meal mcnuggets toy dinosaur 1
black fat 1
fist punch fight 1
stacey mcintyre fries 1
cartoons gullible 1
cartoon banana man pics 1
i like fat chicks 1
childrens bedophilie 1
fat british girls 1
suicide girl fat 1
fistpunch out 1
big boobs girls 1
“julia davis” dawn gavin and stacey 1
fat asian ladies 1
harry potter adult idiots 1
safe fists 1
i fatties 1
a dick on a man 1
big fat black woman 1
a guy dick 1
fat black girl with gap 1
fist fight photo 1
obese girl eating cake 1
head lateral view 1
big fatties 1
disgusting girl sweat 1
fat girls… 1

Do you notice any themes there? You won’t be surprised to find out that ‘Fat Rant’ is the most read thing that I’ve written.

It’s not entirely an accident that this blog attracts that sort of attention. I know that writing about things like sex and weight and alcohol and Harry Potter is going to generate more traffic than if I chose to write about knitting and ornaments and milk (although I appreciate they also very much do have an audience). I use pictures that I know, when it comes to posting the link of Facebook, people will see and want to click. That’s why there’s so much near-nudity and lesbians. People like near-nudity and lesbians. Near-nudity and lesbians sell. And fat ones are even better apparently. Preferably black or Asian.

So it’s Valentine’s Day. I think it’s fair to say it’s a day that divides opinion. If you have someone to share it with then it’s fully justified romantic heaven. If you don’t have anyone then it’s a pointless waste of time and you resent it with all your heart (irony?).

I’ve had both of those opinions as probably have you. This year I’m ambivalent towards Valentine’s Day. I’m kind of seeing someone but it’s way too early to make a fuss on such a day but at the same time it’s quite nice to have someone to send a card to. It is pointless though obviously. But kind of romantic. But totally pointless. But yet nice and sweet and harmless. But cringeworthy and soppy and pointless.

Have a nice, romantic, annoying, pointless Valentine’s Day x

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The first time you have sex with a new person it’s exciting and kind of awkward. If you’ve been in sexual relationships before then you’ve become accustomed to a certain routine perhaps and the chances are your new partner has as well. All you can do really to begin with is stick to what you know and hope for the best. Sometimes it goes well but often it doesn’t. You’re too set in certain ways, as are they. You feel around and try your best but ultimately the climax is a relief and you’re glad it’s over. Then there’s the real awkwardness of afterwards. Television manages to portray sex as this wonderful coming together of two people – and it is – but once it’s over it cuts to them sleeping in each others arms all perfect and clean. Sex is anything but clean. The bit television always seems to omit is the part when someone has to clean up. That’s when the real awkwardness starts. Do you think, “Right, we’re done”, and clean up straight away? Do you take a moment to lie there and hold the moment whilst at least one of you is thinking, “This is going to drip”? Or do you try to make light of the things by acknowledging the situation but essentially killing the mood? It’s a dilemma.

The next few times you have sex things gradually get better. You start to learn what the other person likes and what works. You begin to become accustomed to this new person. It even starts being quite fun. The relationship at this point will be starting to settle. Both of you will be enjoying each others company and won’t be as constantly self-conscious as you were at the beginning. This is when your sex life becomes truly bliss. Now there’s hardly a moment that passes where you’re not having sex. If you’re not eating or watching EastEnders then you’re having sex. Sex when you wake up, sex after lunch, sex in the evening, sex in the early hours, sex when you wake up, sex after lunch, sex in the evening, sex in the early hours, sex when you wake up, sex after lunch, sex in the evening, sex in the early hours…. and so on.

Once you’ve had so much sex that you’ve lost a considerable amount of weight, things start to die down a bit. Sex is still good but it’s less frequent. Instead you tend to eat more and watch a number of other TV shows as well as EastEnders. You’ve been together for a fair while now. You’re happy but the initial excitement has died down and is replaced by contentment. After some time you think your sex life can do with reigniting. Then comes the experimental stage.

You’re both entirely comfortable with each other by this point. You’ve become at ease with your partner’s  body and they’re at ease with yours. There’s no longer any inhibitions. This is when you decide to experiment sexually. Outfits, toys, positions, places, holes (sorry)… The kind of things you see on Channel 4 documentaries. Instead of looking at them at thinking, “What in God’s name are they doing!?”, you think, “Maybe we should try that? Be interesting to at least do it once”. And so you begin. Some things will turn out to be extremely pleasant and some things you’ll want to avoid again for the rest of your life and forget you ever did if at all possible.

The most significant part of the relationship is where your sex life is at after the experimental stage. You’ll either revert back to happiness and contentment with less frequent but still enjoyable sex or sex will feel more an obligation than a pleasure. If you do the former then the chances are you’ll eventually get married, have children and spend many happy years together. If you do the latter then things aren’t so idyllic. You’ll be bored and unhappy. There’s a good chance that one of you will be unfaithful and seek elsewhere for sexual relations. Even if that isn’t the case, your relationship is still a ticking time bomb. It’s just a matter of time before it all blows up. It may be cliché but when the sex dies so, ultimately, does the relationship.

After a while you’ll meet someone new. And the cycle begins all over again.

I spent the early hours of Saturday morning reading every single post on this blog to someone who doesn’t currently have access to the internet. It was good to read stuff I’d written that I’d forgotten about. I actually made myself laugh a few times. Anyway, I also got very frustrated at myself every time I came across a typing error. There are no spelling mistakes but on at least half a dozen occasions I came across instances where I wrote the wrong word or the same word twice or missed out a word completely. I do proof read everything I write before I publish it but I’m obviously a crap proof reader.

What I’d like for you, the reader, to do is highlight any and every mistake you spot so I can correct it. I’m pedantic myself so I won’t be at all miffed if you point out my errors. On the contrary, I’d be extremely grateful.

The mistakes I spotted myself are still there at the moment. I spotted them when reading from my phone and as good as the WordPress app is, it’s just a little too time consuming to do editing via those means. I’m at my laptop now so I could correct myself here but that isn’t going to happen at this moment in time. It would mean I’d have to read all my previous posts again so I can re-spot the mistakes and edit them. Nothing I’ve written has been so good that it warrants being read twice within one week.

Fat people annoy me. Right, now that I’ve got that off my chest I’ll explain why.

The first reason is completely superficial. I don’t like to look at fat people. Fat people aren’t attractive. Occasionally you do get fat people (or ‘fatties’ as I’m going to refer to them as for the rest of this article) who have potentially good looks (i.e. a nice face) but unfortunately they ruin it with a bulging gut and an obscenely vast bum-mass. Their skin forms many layers and proceeds to fold more and more with every cake and kebab. They eventually reach a point in which, unless they’re standing completely still, their flesh emerges from their clothing. A roll of tummy here, a crack of arse there… It’s actually disgusting.

The second reason I’m annoyed by fatties is because of their attitude. They criticise (in most cases) girls for being “too thin” when the truth is that only very rarely is that the case. “Too thin” actually tends to mean “much healthier and prettier than me”. Captain Subtext does all the translation for us you see. You very rarely hear a fatty female refer to herself as ‘fat‘. Even though she’s often surrounded by slim or curvy girls complaining about how much weight they’ve put on recently, she’ll never turn around and say “if you think you’re fat look at me! I’m a big fat pig of a woman!”. Instead what you get is an awkward silence and an eagerness to change the topic of conversation quickly.

It’s also deemed unkind to ridicule fatties. Why? You see, there are forms of ridicule that are unkind and unwarranted. Ridiculing someone because of their race or ethnic group is completely out of order. Taking the piss out of someone because of their sexual-orientation is out of order. Now being Black or Asian or homosexual or whatever is not a lifestyle choice, it’s what they are when they’re born. Nothing can be done about it. It’s involuntary. However, if you’re a greedy, lazy human hoover-pig then that’s your choice. Nobody else is responsible for you resembling George from ‘Rainbow’. You look horrible but seriously – and more importantly – you’re extremely unhealthy. If getting a hard time from your peers inspires you to lose some lbs then I think that’s a good thing.

Naturally this could have the opposite effect and cause the “victim” to comfort eat. Bollocks. “Comfort eating” is just an excuse used by the individual to explain why they’re not losing weight. Low self-esteem isn’t the reason to eat a whole box of Malteasers in one sitting. The reason is greed.

Fatties eat and watch TV and apparently not much else. When they do leave the house their outing usually consists of fast-food or cakes and cookies (or the whole lot combined) saddled by a bus journey to and from. They’ll go on a night out and dance the night away. Good exercise (despite repulsing half of the people in the club, hence the “look at the state of that” and “I hope no one gets trodden on by the Heffalump” murmurs surrounding the dance floor). But upon leaving the venue they’ll head straight for the kebab shop and order the biggest mother-fucker on sale. Of course they go for the extra salad and copious amount of mayonnaise on top and what do they have to drink? Diet fucking Coke.

I realise that the majority of my criticism has been aimed primarily at girls. If this is sexist then it’s inadvertently so. To prove this point I wish to add that when I see a fat, sweaty man I often assume he sits at home wanking over S-Club-7 music videos whilst eating pork-scratchings and drinking cheap canned lager. They repulse me equally as much. More-so sometimes because they tend to smell worse.

I don’t think it helps when the likes of Beth Ditto and James Corden expose their flubber with such pride. Ok James Corden doesn’t do it to show off, he does it for comedy. But it shouldn’t be fucking funny. It’s not okay to be fat.

So what’s the solution? I mean, surely fatties don’t really like the way they look, right? That would be insane. A solution is definitely needed. Here’s some suggestions;

• Put all the really fatty foods on the bottom shelf in shops and supermarkets as people who are too fat can’t bend down that far without having to call the emergency services (or the national tug-o-war champions) to hoist them back up again.

• Put all sweets, cakes and other fatty foods down really narrow isles in supermarkets. That way only the people who fit through the gap can have a nice chocolate muffin.

• Bully the little fat kids in school by stealing their lunch money and running off with it. That way little fatty should – in theory – chase after you resulting in him getting some much needed exercise.

• Burn off more calories than you consume – simple science.

• How about some self-respect? I mean, aside from the weirdo men that appear on Channel 4 documentaries claiming to have a fetish for “larger ladies”, nobody sees fat people as physically attractive beings. That’s not shallow, that’s the truth. I have never in my life heard anyone in a bar turn around and say “look at that stunning girl at the bar… She reminds me of Mandy Dingle”.

So what would you rather be? Attractive/healthy or a fetish/Mandy Dingle?

I don’t think I’m being harsh. I’d like to clarify that when I use the term ‘fat’ I mean FAT. Not someone who’s curvy with “love handles”. Not someone who’s put on 3 stones and now weighs 10 stones. I mean FAT. Someone who resembles the bastard love-child of Ditto and Corden.

I understand that these views are likely to offend some people. I’ve been confronted by individuals wanting to defend fat people and the most common argument is always the weakest… “Some people can’t help it”. That just infuriates me more because of course they can. I know really fat people who have been determined to lose weight and they have done and now they look great. Contrastly, I’ve listened to fatties spew rubbish excuses in an attempt to justify the way they are. If they’re really happy then good for them but I’m not believing it at all. Big will never truly be perceived as beautiful and big people know it. They may be thick but they’re not thick (that’s a homophone).