Archive for November, 2011

Call me cynical but I can’t for the life of me understand the point of an advent calendar. Actually, that’s not true. I understand that an advent calendar is used to count down the days to the Nativity of Jesus at Christmas and I appreciate that this has a significance for Christians, but for everyone else? Really?

I know you don’t have to be a Christian to enjoy Christmas despite it being a religious festival. I realise the commercialisation factor has elevated/reduced it (depending on your point of view) to simply a day to buy expensive presents, eat far too much food and argue with family members you don’t particularly enjoy the company of. People are excited by this. I’m not but I know other people are. However, I still don’t understand how opening a little door made of card with a snotty little chocolate behind it, enhances this excitement in any way.

Don’t get me wrong, I love chocolate. If I ate as much chocolate as I would like to eat then I could easily be as fat as those women that people apparently come on this site to see. Chocolate is great. A bar of chocolate is great. A proper, decent-sized chocolate bar that is pure oral pleasure for the minute or so it takes to eat it. It doesn’t take a minute to eat a chocolate from an advent calander. It doesn’t even take a mouthful to eat a chocolate from an advent calendar. And people do it first thing in the morning. I don’t know any other time of the year where someone would wake up first thing in the morning and start munching on chocolate. It’s not a morning food.

I have nothing against doors either. I use doors all the time. They’re bloody brilliant. They open, they close, they serve a purpose. I can’t rate doors highly enough. However, tiny doors made of card scattered upon a larger, rectangular piece of card are not my cup of tea. Opening one of those doors serves no purpose to me. Sure, it counts down the days until Christmas but then so does a normal calendar. And everything else around us that incessantly reminds us how many days there are to go until Christmas. You can’t fail to know how many days remain. Even if you didn’t want to know, you’d know.

I always thought advent calendars were for children. Christmas is much more magical when you’re a child and it certainly helps generate the hysteria around this single day of the year. But I don’t know any children and I’ve still seen advent calendars in homes where my friends live and I know other people – adult people – who have one or plan to have one. It annoys me a bit. Adults should not be buying advent calendars for themselves. They just shouldn’t.

By this point you’ve either agreed with everything I’ve said or you think I’m a grumpy, miserable, bitter sod who just wants to suck the joy out of everything. I realise that the majority will be thinking the latter. I just think you should know that my problem isn’t with Christmas or people who like and enjoy Christmas, it’s with advent calendars. They’re crappy pieces of cardboard filled with crappy quality and quantities of chocolate. Some have toys or gifts! And the toys and gifts are shit. If you’re that desperate for measely amounts of chocolate and rubbish toys then buy Kinder Eggs in bulk and fill your boots.

I’ve covered a variety of subjects on this blog and shared an opinion or two. Occasionally I’ve entered what could be considered relatively dark territory. Words have been used and pictures have been published that some people find quite hard to stomach. However, rightly or wrongly, this blog does generate considerable traffic. It’s surprising to me as I only advertise it on Facebook and even then I know that the vast majority of my very best and oldest friends make no effort whatsoever to read it.

One of the primary means of people finding this blog is via search engines. Good old Google and Bing and other search engines that apparently exist but no sod uses. One of the best things about WordPress is that they provide you with your site stats. One of the stats included is ‘Search Engine Terms’ which, as you have probably figured out, lists all of the things people have typed into a search engine to then end up on this site. I wish to share these search engine terms with you.

Now before you carry on I should warn you that some of these terms aren’t pretty. There are obviously some mental-in-the-face-fucked-up people who use the internet and some of those people have visited this blog unfortunately. Despite this, there are also some things that people have typed into a search engine that is laugh-out-loud funny. What you’re about to see is entirely unedited and absolutely real. Enjoy!

Search Views
fat girls 3,180
fat 449
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fat black girls 251
fat people 187
fists 163
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sex 122
really fat girls 110
bananaman 73
banana man cartoon 71
reading books 65
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childrens programme bannana man 4
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nighty night 2
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little fatties 2
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the sun stupid paper 2
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cartoon banana man 2
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happy meal chicken nuggets fries 2
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nice romantic pic 2
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fat nice girl 2
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fat girls think they look good 2
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black dancers 2
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fatty girl cake 2
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mcnuggets happy meal 2
chubby ladies 2
love handle fetish 2
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fat girl eating chips 2
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the art of sleeping 2
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happy ignorant fat girl 2
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cartoon fists 2
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big ladies 2
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pictures of wanting to punch someone 2
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pigophilia means 2
sapphic erotica up close 2
very fat women 2
two fist punching 2
fat photo 2
matt le tissier wife 2
picture of a fists 2
fat chciks 2
superted the twat 2
fries bar hoist 2
fist punch image 2
fat pussy 2
happy fat girls 2
idiot adults and harry potter 2
fatties attractive 2
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little fat girl 2
very fat girl 2
chubby girl and pizza 2
big people 2
fat girl eating mayonnaise 2
sexual life 2
lesbian porn girls 2
footballer crying 2
images of fat 2
why don’t men like fat girls 2
fat people with a “m” on them 2
fat girl fucking herself 2
have a nice time card 2
fat girl fucking 2
how a life cycle of sex start 2
fat girle 2
big black fat girl 2
asian fat girls 2
very fat woman 2
matt le tissier pics 2
elaborate facebook status 2
girls dancing 2
fat girls drinking 2
sex relationship 2
i like fat girls movie 2
goodnight calu 1
fat swetty people 1
the euthanasia calculator 1
this is why you are fat 1
banana man character 1
fat. 1
involuntaryeuthanasiadancecas 1
fast food fatties 1
fat girls with pie 1
jam cant win an argument with a stupid person 1
comedian associated with paul whitehouse recently accused of possessing child porn 1
likes fat girls 1
fat photos 1
obese fat girls bum 1
fat face girl 1
fat fat fat girl 1
monkey dust armando iannucci shows league of 1
animated photos of euthanasia 1
simonseuthanasiadancecalculator 1
charlie brooker zeitgeist the movie 1
fat to fat 1
modern warfare 2 ps3 game 1
funniyest series ever league of gentlemen jam armando iannucci 1
zeitgeist euthanasia 1
league of gentlemen armando iannucci shows funny series 1
cartoon love heart 1
punch+fist 1
things you’ve never seen before.com 1
fat girl i will always love you 1
nice fat girl 1
fatties aren’t real people 1
fat girls spewing after eating too much 1
problem on sleeping 1
fat ladies fucking 1
dicke penise 1
involuntary euthanasia pictures 1
dancing fat girl 1
disgusting fat woman 1
monkey dust chris langham 1
. bnanamq 1
fat people porn 1
the funniest objects ever 1
black and fat girls 1
fat girls trying to be attractive 1
cute fat girl 1
how do fat people have sex 1
pic of a fat girl 1
matthew le tissier’s wife 1
fat girl kebab 1
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why do fat people annoy me 1
obscenely obese girls 1
fat females 1
happy meal mcnuggets toy dinosaur 1
black fat 1
fist punch fight 1
stacey mcintyre fries 1
cartoons gullible 1
cartoon banana man pics 1
i like fat chicks 1
childrens bedophilie 1
fat british girls 1
suicide girl fat 1
fistpunch out 1
big boobs girls 1
“julia davis” dawn gavin and stacey 1
fat asian ladies 1
harry potter adult idiots 1
safe fists 1
i fatties 1
a dick on a man 1
big fat black woman 1
a guy dick 1
fat black girl with gap 1
fist fight photo 1
obese girl eating cake 1
head lateral view 1
big fatties 1
disgusting girl sweat 1
fat girls… 1

Do you notice any themes there? You won’t be surprised to find out that ‘Fat Rant’ is the most read thing that I’ve written.

It’s not entirely an accident that this blog attracts that sort of attention. I know that writing about things like sex and weight and alcohol and Harry Potter is going to generate more traffic than if I chose to write about knitting and ornaments and milk (although I appreciate they also very much do have an audience). I use pictures that I know, when it comes to posting the link of Facebook, people will see and want to click. That’s why there’s so much near-nudity and lesbians. People like near-nudity and lesbians. Near-nudity and lesbians sell. And fat ones are even better apparently. Preferably black or Asian.