Archive for February, 2011

So it’s Valentine’s Day. I think it’s fair to say it’s a day that divides opinion. If you have someone to share it with then it’s fully justified romantic heaven. If you don’t have anyone then it’s a pointless waste of time and you resent it with all your heart (irony?).

I’ve had both of those opinions as probably have you. This year I’m ambivalent towards Valentine’s Day. I’m kind of seeing someone but it’s way too early to make a fuss on such a day but at the same time it’s quite nice to have someone to send a card to. It is pointless though obviously. But kind of romantic. But totally pointless. But yet nice and sweet and harmless. But cringeworthy and soppy and pointless.

Have a nice, romantic, annoying, pointless Valentine’s Day x



The first time you have sex with a new person it’s exciting and kind of awkward. If you’ve been in sexual relationships before then you’ve become accustomed to a certain routine perhaps and the chances are your new partner has as well. All you can do really to begin with is stick to what you know and hope for the best. Sometimes it goes well but often it doesn’t. You’re too set in certain ways, as are they. You feel around and try your best but ultimately the climax is a relief and you’re glad it’s over. Then there’s the real awkwardness of afterwards. Television manages to portray sex as this wonderful coming together of two people – and it is – but once it’s over it cuts to them sleeping in each others arms all perfect and clean. Sex is anything but clean. The bit television always seems to omit is the part when someone has to clean up. That’s when the real awkwardness starts. Do you think, “Right, we’re done”, and clean up straight away? Do you take a moment to lie there and hold the moment whilst at least one of you is thinking, “This is going to drip”? Or do you try to make light of the things by acknowledging the situation but essentially killing the mood? It’s a dilemma.

The next few times you have sex things gradually get better. You start to learn what the other person likes and what works. You begin to become accustomed to this new person. It even starts being quite fun. The relationship at this point will be starting to settle. Both of you will be enjoying each others company and won’t be as constantly self-conscious as you were at the beginning. This is when your sex life becomes truly bliss. Now there’s hardly a moment that passes where you’re not having sex. If you’re not eating or watching EastEnders then you’re having sex. Sex when you wake up, sex after lunch, sex in the evening, sex in the early hours, sex when you wake up, sex after lunch, sex in the evening, sex in the early hours, sex when you wake up, sex after lunch, sex in the evening, sex in the early hours…. and so on.

Once you’ve had so much sex that you’ve lost a considerable amount of weight, things start to die down a bit. Sex is still good but it’s less frequent. Instead you tend to eat more and watch a number of other TV shows as well as EastEnders. You’ve been together for a fair while now. You’re happy but the initial excitement has died down and is replaced by contentment. After some time you think your sex life can do with reigniting. Then comes the experimental stage.

You’re both entirely comfortable with each other by this point. You’ve become at ease with your partner’s  body and they’re at ease with yours. There’s no longer any inhibitions. This is when you decide to experiment sexually. Outfits, toys, positions, places, holes (sorry)… The kind of things you see on Channel 4 documentaries. Instead of looking at them at thinking, “What in God’s name are they doing!?”, you think, “Maybe we should try that? Be interesting to at least do it once”. And so you begin. Some things will turn out to be extremely pleasant and some things you’ll want to avoid again for the rest of your life and forget you ever did if at all possible.

The most significant part of the relationship is where your sex life is at after the experimental stage. You’ll either revert back to happiness and contentment with less frequent but still enjoyable sex or sex will feel more an obligation than a pleasure. If you do the former then the chances are you’ll eventually get married, have children and spend many happy years together. If you do the latter then things aren’t so idyllic. You’ll be bored and unhappy. There’s a good chance that one of you will be unfaithful and seek elsewhere for sexual relations. Even if that isn’t the case, your relationship is still a ticking time bomb. It’s just a matter of time before it all blows up. It may be cliché but when the sex dies so, ultimately, does the relationship.

After a while you’ll meet someone new. And the cycle begins all over again.