Fat Rant

Posted: 10/01/2011 in The Calculator
Tags: , , , , ,

Fat people annoy me. Right, now that I’ve got that off my chest I’ll explain why.

The first reason is completely superficial. I don’t like to look at fat people. Fat people aren’t attractive. Occasionally you do get fat people (or ‘fatties’ as I’m going to refer to them as for the rest of this article) who have potentially good looks (i.e. a nice face) but unfortunately they ruin it with a bulging gut and an obscenely vast bum-mass. Their skin forms many layers and proceeds to fold more and more with every cake and kebab. They eventually reach a point in which, unless they’re standing completely still, their flesh emerges from their clothing. A roll of tummy here, a crack of arse there… It’s actually disgusting.

The second reason I’m annoyed by fatties is because of their attitude. They criticise (in most cases) girls for being “too thin” when the truth is that only very rarely is that the case. “Too thin” actually tends to mean “much healthier and prettier than me”. Captain Subtext does all the translation for us you see. You very rarely hear a fatty female refer to herself as ‘fat‘. Even though she’s often surrounded by slim or curvy girls complaining about how much weight they’ve put on recently, she’ll never turn around and say “if you think you’re fat look at me! I’m a big fat pig of a woman!”. Instead what you get is an awkward silence and an eagerness to change the topic of conversation quickly.

It’s also deemed unkind to ridicule fatties. Why? You see, there are forms of ridicule that are unkind and unwarranted. Ridiculing someone because of their race or ethnic group is completely out of order. Taking the piss out of someone because of their sexual-orientation is out of order. Now being Black or Asian or homosexual or whatever is not a lifestyle choice, it’s what they are when they’re born. Nothing can be done about it. It’s involuntary. However, if you’re a greedy, lazy human hoover-pig then that’s your choice. Nobody else is responsible for you resembling George from ‘Rainbow’. You look horrible but seriously – and more importantly – you’re extremely unhealthy. If getting a hard time from your peers inspires you to lose some lbs then I think that’s a good thing.

Naturally this could have the opposite effect and cause the “victim” to comfort eat. Bollocks. “Comfort eating” is just an excuse used by the individual to explain why they’re not losing weight. Low self-esteem isn’t the reason to eat a whole box of Malteasers in one sitting. The reason is greed.

Fatties eat and watch TV and apparently not much else. When they do leave the house their outing usually consists of fast-food or cakes and cookies (or the whole lot combined) saddled by a bus journey to and from. They’ll go on a night out and dance the night away. Good exercise (despite repulsing half of the people in the club, hence the “look at the state of that” and “I hope no one gets trodden on by the Heffalump” murmurs surrounding the dance floor). But upon leaving the venue they’ll head straight for the kebab shop and order the biggest mother-fucker on sale. Of course they go for the extra salad and copious amount of mayonnaise on top and what do they have to drink? Diet fucking Coke.

I realise that the majority of my criticism has been aimed primarily at girls. If this is sexist then it’s inadvertently so. To prove this point I wish to add that when I see a fat, sweaty man I often assume he sits at home wanking over S-Club-7 music videos whilst eating pork-scratchings and drinking cheap canned lager. They repulse me equally as much. More-so sometimes because they tend to smell worse.

I don’t think it helps when the likes of Beth Ditto and James Corden expose their flubber with such pride. Ok James Corden doesn’t do it to show off, he does it for comedy. But it shouldn’t be fucking funny. It’s not okay to be fat.

So what’s the solution? I mean, surely fatties don’t really like the way they look, right? That would be insane. A solution is definitely needed. Here’s some suggestions;

• Put all the really fatty foods on the bottom shelf in shops and supermarkets as people who are too fat can’t bend down that far without having to call the emergency services (or the national tug-o-war champions) to hoist them back up again.

• Put all sweets, cakes and other fatty foods down really narrow isles in supermarkets. That way only the people who fit through the gap can have a nice chocolate muffin.

• Bully the little fat kids in school by stealing their lunch money and running off with it. That way little fatty should – in theory – chase after you resulting in him getting some much needed exercise.

• Burn off more calories than you consume – simple science.

• How about some self-respect? I mean, aside from the weirdo men that appear on Channel 4 documentaries claiming to have a fetish for “larger ladies”, nobody sees fat people as physically attractive beings. That’s not shallow, that’s the truth. I have never in my life heard anyone in a bar turn around and say “look at that stunning girl at the bar… She reminds me of Mandy Dingle”.

So what would you rather be? Attractive/healthy or a fetish/Mandy Dingle?

I don’t think I’m being harsh. I’d like to clarify that when I use the term ‘fat’ I mean FAT. Not someone who’s curvy with “love handles”. Not someone who’s put on 3 stones and now weighs 10 stones. I mean FAT. Someone who resembles the bastard love-child of Ditto and Corden.

I understand that these views are likely to offend some people. I’ve been confronted by individuals wanting to defend fat people and the most common argument is always the weakest… “Some people can’t help it”. That just infuriates me more because of course they can. I know really fat people who have been determined to lose weight and they have done and now they look great. Contrastly, I’ve listened to fatties spew rubbish excuses in an attempt to justify the way they are. If they’re really happy then good for them but I’m not believing it at all. Big will never truly be perceived as beautiful and big people know it. They may be thick but they’re not thick (that’s a homophone).

  1. Kieran says:


  2. zaneta says:

    som rada tlstou ale mam vycitky tlstoty a rada si zerem sadielko mnami mnami a pozdravujem moju naj kamosku romanu kollarovu byva v novych tlstje to nedaleko sadam je kazdy tlsty otach t

  3. Anonymous says:

    Straight up

  4. Anonymous says:

    ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Seriously?! I’ll be the first to admit that I am overweight, I wear a size 18(US), but I am far from unheathly. My blood pressure, my cholesterol, my blood sugar and everything else you get checked on yearly basis are in perfect order. I work out regularly and I eat properly. I’m more active than most of my skinny friends. You seriously need to stop and think before you post crap like this online. yes are there people that eat themselves to death but to lump everyone (even though you say you aren’t speaking to curvy people) into this category that don’t fit YOUR defination of beautiful, is appalling.

    The suggestions you have, especially the bullying, is what causes people to form eating disorders, self-harm and commit suicide. Also, have you any idea how hard it is to burn more calories then you consume? Do you know what is actually involved in burning calories?

  5. Anonymous says:

    Fuck you. Ugh I can just imagine you are some sweaty, ratty mole of a person who’s own mother thinks you are evil. Bullying is so unbelivably horrid and the fact that you would encourage people to do that to children when it is not their fault for being chubby is incredible. Their parents are either: too poor to buy nutritionally balanced meals or ignorant to the value of a balanced diet . Which of these reasons it is, it doesn’t matter, it’s not the wee kids fault.
    You bloody bastard, I hope you go fuck yourself because no self respecting person would want to even get the slightest bit close to you.
    Beth Ditto doesn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks about her body because her music is the most important thing, she is showing people she is talented, that’s what is important.
    James Corden is hilarious and much more talented than you will ever be.
    I hope one day some person breaks all your limbs and forces you to eat nothing but lard and you gain an incredible amount of weight and people call you names and tell you you’re fugly. See how you like it then you gigantic wanker. Get a life, no one cares about your worthless opinion.

    • Simon says:

      You obviously do (’nuff said).

    • Simon says:

      Actually, that’s a lazy response from myself. You share some interesting points of view. I see you feel the two primary reasons for obesity are poverty and ignornace. Hmmm.

      Who is really so stupid that they don’t understand that if you consume more calories than you burn then you’re going to get fat? It’s not ignornace, it’s laziness. The same laziness that leads to parents of fat children buying fast foods or simply feeding them on chips and pizza. It’s not because they can’t afford a bowl of fruit, it’s because they’re bone-fucking-idle.

      James Corden is hilarious? Uh-huh. I also admire you’re spectacular failure to grasp any sense of irony in what I’ve written.

      “Bullying is so unbelievably horrid”. Couldn’t agree more. That’s the first sensible thing you’ve said all day.

  6. Kattster says:

    I agree with some points here, and others kinda/sorta. You said bollocks in your post? England/UK/etc right? I live in the US, and things are a little different here. Actually, I live in Wisconsin. Beer and brats all around! I can honestly say that most fat people annoy me, too. They don’t complain that others are too thin in my area. They go the extra mile, and call people like ME fat. (I’m 19 years old and weigh 95 lbs. I know that sounds unhealthy. They tell my little brother, who is a skinny little athlete that he’s fat too.) Although, I can agree that some people can’t help being rather large. Some actually have a disease making them so, but it can be fixed. My best friend is a little chunky, but I wouldn’t call her fat. If she loses anymore weight they’d have to cut off a cyst, the surgery would make her sterile. But all she has are love-handles, and she hates them. Wow, I’ve been ranting. Oops! Anyway, in your post you pretty much said everything I was afraid to, bravo! *clap*

  7. Kenny says:

    Bravo Simon! Another spectacular masterpiece of witty words, wrapped in a greasy pitta of truth. Yet again you are bang on the money. If people have a medical reason then fair do’s, if they are a lazy fat pig Hoover simply because of greed then something needs to be done. Begin the cleansing, and may the fatties stop offending my eyes!!

  8. Anonymous says:

    My goodness, everyone has a blog nowadays, regardless of how uneducated and ridiculous they are! Enjoy your soapbox, and for society’s sake, let’s hope you keep your bigotry to yourself in real life and just stick to spewing your hatred online. Silly fool.

    • Simon says:

      Admittedly I wrote this a couple of years ago and wouldn’t express my point like this now but the underlying point of it all still stands and it is neither ridiculous or uneducated. Obesity is an issue and it’s a choice people make. It’s pathetic to try and argue otherwise.

  9. iguessyouknowme says:

    that’s what people thought about me and that is what i thought about my self.. rejection in all the way.. thank you for your nice writing si, its hurt but the truth is always hurt right? 🙂

  10. Anonymous says:

    This is the most ignorant thing I’ve ever read and I can’t believe that people would actually agree with this f#!$ face ….yes obesity is a problem now in days but your a kunt for your choice of words ..and you need to pay attention in class more aswell because being fat can in fact be a medical condition or even genetics alot plays a role in SOME peoples obesity just because someones fat doesn’t mean they stuff there face with bon bons all day and cheeseburgers all.night your metabolism and natural body make up have alot to do with it
    ,I myself am in the military so I keep a steady body fat and weight index ..and I do believe people should maintain a healthy way of life but I would never go about it the way you did like a pig,and you never know someones story so don’t be so quick to judge people

  11. GAZZA says:

    Fatty feck fecks
    My Brothers Daughter just came over to stay.
    I blame the parents for not setting them straight from the start. She is obese and the only things that interest her is eating, sleeping the laptop and more sleeping. I tried to encourage her to come for a walk with my kids in the forest. Firstly she was tired before we reached the front door and secondly by the time we did manage to walk the 500 yds to get there she was too tired to walk anymore and wanted to wait until we got back. After returning an hour later she asked can I go and get the car to pick her up.
    I also hate the dumb arse excuses they have for being Lazy.
    Take exercise (regularly) eat less and make a contribution in life instead of finding everything a god damn effort.
    Some of the Fatty feck fecks need a dose of boot camp.
    Stop defending them. They need work not excuses!!!!!!!!

    • Simon says:

      I completely agree with your sentiments. I just think my original article on the subject was badly written and overly nasty when I could have approached it in a more appropriate manner.

  12. GAZZA says:

    Oh and whats with all these Anonymous comments??
    Put your name to your beliefs.
    “genetics a lot plays a role in SOME peoples obesity”
    I am 48 and when I was a kid you saw an obese person maybe once in 4 years. Is it a bloody modern day thing then PMSL.
    Even if there was a medical related condition it doesn’t make you eat less and not exercise.
    Society is to blame.
    Your not allowed to be harsh to people for fear of having the law on you.
    When I was at school for example you was made to exercise. Now its oh the poor Love can’t do it!!

  13. Suresh Menon says:

    phew !! 2 am and i accidentally found this and cant believe i read it….i’ve never been overweight or obese all my life.But it does not mean you go around writing such rubbish and hate .
    ….all the best ,am sure you have good followers of nazi’s ,racist rednecks…..Oh you don’t ? Really ? Am surprised.
    After obese who is next on your list blacks ,or asians perhaps homosexuals .Well why not ??

    • Simon says:

      Okay, first of all, thanks for reading. I am in fact pretty ashamed of this piece of writing as it happens. In my most recent post I address this and state how its intent was completely compromised by the flippant and piss-taking tone. The only reason I’ve decided to retain it on my blog is because it attracts so much traffic.

      However, I would like to pick you up on your second paragraph. For you to assume that because I’m anti-obesity that I must therefore be a racist homophobe is incredibly insulting. Being tremendously overweight is not anywhere near the same as being black or Asian or gay. The latter have no choice whereas in the vast majority of cases, obesity is down to the choices the obese person has made. I’m as liberal as it comes and by stating that obesity is a problem, I am not discriminating against a race or gender or sexual preference, I’m simply saying that obesity is a problem. Still, I would like to reiterate, the style and tone with which I wrote this piece completely undermines the point I was trying to make. I may revisit the subject again one day with a more mature approach (this particular piece is four years old).

      • Kimberly says:

        Simon, as you nay have figured out since this post was written, many obese adults were overweight or obese children (or were not overweight yet but only for a fast metabolism). Relearning a lifetime of bad habits is not easy. Consider obese or overweight people you see might in fact be fighting that battle, attempting to learn new healthy habits. And don’t dismiss emotional triggers for eating or emotional blockages for change: these can be very powerful. Everyone has energy blockages, obese people simply show theirs more obviously.

        One last thing… BPA, genetically modified foods, enriched wheat products, soy protein isolate, bovine growth hormones… All of these things are being linked to obesity. Society is to blame more than just large portions and sedentary lifestyle.

  14. Heather says:

    I’d just like to know …
    1. When did enjoying food become a crime?
    2. What makes you think you are so much better than all these overweight people? Since when is a person’s worth determined by their weight? Isn’t judging someone by their weight as bad as judging them for being a different race? I’m sure you’ll argue no but it’s still making an assumption about a person based on how they look.
    Can you imagine how nice the world would be if everyone (including you) treated everyone else (yes even the overweight) with kindness and compassion instead of judgement?
    I really hope that eventually you can curb your distaste for the overweight and see the inner qualities that many overweight people have.
    And I hope you don’t ever become a fatty yourself. Because I know from experience it is unpleasant. It’s hard to like yourself when everyone else seems to hate you too.
    But then I suspect you also have some self hate issues, because I don’t think a person who is 100% happy with their life or circumstances would waste their time writing such a cruel article.

  15. Annsleigh Briar Jones says:

    Some people are born with a disease called prader Willi syndrome, which makes you always feel hungry.

    • Annsleigh Briar Jones says:

      You ugly stupid fart face! I hate your guts! Go die in a hole! Eat your mother, and vomit her guts up on her father!!! You suck at life, and nobody likes you!

  16. Jeff says:

    It’s a vicious cycle, they eat because they are sad and are sad because they eat. You are not in their position and have no idea why they eat so much, maybe they know they are fat but because constant criticism they just can’t conjure up the motivation to do anything about it. I know that it may not be pleasant to look at and by no means should something unhealthy be encouraged or glorified….but at the end of the day they are people just like everybody else and shouldn’t be hated for how they look, instead they should be helped to get themselves out of the position they are in.

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