For Twenty-Eleven

Posted: 02/01/2011 in The Calculator
Tags: , , , , , ,

According to Wikipedia – which is about as reliable as a one-legged Cancan dancer with a dodgy knee –  only 12% of people who make New Year resolutions actually achieve their goal. I think this is probably because people give themselves unrealistic targets. Really fat fuckers aren’t suddenly going to get thin because they’re too greedy. That’s just an example.

I’ve given up drinking coke for about six years in a row now but not once have I managed to get to the 2nd of January without at least having a cheeky sip of some. It’s never going to happen. I’m more likely to drown in coke than I am to go even one week without drinking it. It’s bad for me but I like it so as far as I’m concerned the pros outweigh the cons.

If I were to ask all of my friends to suggest something for me to give up for New Year then I’m fairly sure that the vast majority of them would say smoking. That’s not going to happen either. I like smoking. I really enjoy it. If I didn’t like smoking then I wouldn’t fucking smoke. “It gives you cancer”. Yeah? So does sunshine and happiness but even non-smokers indulge in those things from time to time. I’m not going to give up smoking.

One of the most common New Year resolutions is to go to the gym and lose weight. I can’t really do that as I’d probably evaporate. Even if I wanted just to get fit then I would waste any time and money on going to the gym. I’d start going jogging or something. A lot of people do set out to get fit in the New Year but I can’t be bothered so cross that one off the list. I used to be really physically active what with playing football, sprinting and masturbation but I no longer do two of those and the remaining activity doesn’t take a great deal of energy anymore.

Some New Year resolutions are just about improving one’s self. Be more optimistic. Be less grumpy. Be more organised. Be less of a cunt. These are all great ideas but they’re also impossible to maintain. If you are a pessimistic, disorganised, grumpy cunt then one number being different on the calendar isn’t going to change anything. You will still be all of those things.

I think the best kind of New Year’s resolution is one where you set a realistic target and aim to hit it by this time next year. This is the kind of area I’m operating in regarding my New Year’s resolution. My aim is to move away from Somerset. I don’t want to live abroad but London, Manchester or Cardiff would suit me fine. Things happen there. I’d also like to think that instead of lying in bed wearing boxer shorts that suffocate my cock and balls whilst writing this on a broken laptop hooked up to an old PC monitor that I have balancing on a chair that swivels, I’ll have slightly more professional surroundings to work in. A chair I can sit on and some clothes would be progress.

New year, new start. That’s what so many people say. The new year part is irrelevant obviously but the new start bit is always a good mentality to have so if changing the ‘0’ to a ‘1’ makes you feel happier about making such decisions then good on you. I sincerely wish you all the best.


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