Archive for November, 2010

There are few things that annoy me as much as adults who read Harry Potter books. They’re children’s books. They’re aimed at children. Children. The little people who have yet to be exposed to the disillusionment of real life. Fantasy appeals to these little people as it prompts the imagination to run wild with impossibilities. As the little people transform into big people they’ll start to experience sex and drugs and financial difficulties and they’ll be exposed to deceit and disappointment and bad language. Drama. Reality.

There is an abundance of adult literature for adults to read. Adult literature. Literature aimed at adults. Adults. They’re the big people who have suffered – and continue to suffer – the disillusionment of real life. Their imagination disintegrated when television and the internet spoon fed them shit under the guise of entertainment. They’ve had sex and taken drugs and had no money and they’ve experienced deceit and disappointment and swear like motherfuckers. Drama. Reality.

So what does Harry Potter offer an adult? Is it the case that real life is so depressing that indulging and immersing ones self in children’s fantasy serves as a great escapism from life’s mundanity?  Or is it the case that with the dumbing down of television and entertainment in general, people just haven’t developed the intelligence to get their head around something more complex than a four-eyed wizard fucking about with other wizards? I think it’s the latter. I think a large portion of adults are too stupid to understand and enjoy a piece of literature that was initially aimed at their demographic. They’re too busy reading Dan Brown books and celebrity hardbacks.

It’s the rise of the idiots. The idiots watch The X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent and I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here and the like. The idiots read The Sun newspaper. The idiots laugh at Michael McIntyre and Peter Kay who simply “notice things”. The idiots have conversations about TV soaps as if they’re real life. The idiots listen to Chris Moyles on the radio. The idiots watch Jackass in 3-D. The idiots think the iPhone is still cool when ironically it’s because of the hysteria of these idiots that the iPhone couldn’t be any less cool.

The idiots don’t watch things like Cowards or The Thick of It. The idiots don’t read The Guardian. The idiots don’t laugh at Stewart Lee or Bill Hicks. The idiots don’t have conversations about the decline of quality content on TV. The idiots don’t listen to Ian Collins on the radio. The idiots don’t watch Four Lions on DVD. The idiots with iPhones aren’t aware of the ridicule they’re subject to from the rest of society.

At the moment the idiots are flocking to see the new Harry Potter film. A film based on a children’s book. A book aimed at children. Children. The next batch of idiots.


Biologically speaking, we all have a brain in our head. Unfortunately, most of us don’t do our thinking with it. Some people do. In any given situation they’re able to weigh up the pros and cons and reach a sensible decision. These people tend to be successful but they’re also usually incredibly boring. They’re way too rational. They only spend what they afford, they only go out when they know they have no plans for the next day, they’ll only have sex with condoms. Obviously they’re not bad choices to make at all but it’s a little relentless. They don’t do what they may want to do because they fear the consequences. They play it safe so nothing can go wrong. They rarely let their hair down.

Then you have the people who let the heart do their thinking. Everything is whimsical and exciting but often disastrous. These people let their emotions run away with them and no matter how often they get hurt, they go back for more. Some people do follow their heart in a different way though. They’re passionate about things like raising money for charities and aiding the poor or the elderly or the disabled. I feel these people too must be more frustrated than satisfied as they can only do so much. Very rarely is there a conclusion as these are things that don’t ever look likely to be fixed.

Head and heart are the primary sources that supposedly rule our actions but I propose there are two other parts of the body that have a say.

The fist. The thing you use when you want to punch something or someone. Some people appear to be little more than a pair of fists. If they go on a night out, they’re looking for a fight. If they go on a day out, they’re looking for a fight. If someone says something they take exception to, they look for a fight. If someone looks at them in a way they don’t like, they look for a fight. These people don’t have time for reasoning or rationalism, they just want to hit things. I’m not sure what possesses these people. I don’t know if they’re consumed with hate and anger or if they’re actually really happy folk that just get a perverse pleasure from causing physical pain.

The final thinking tool for people is the dick. You don’t need to be a man to think with your dick. These are males and females that let sex dictate everything they do. They just want to have sex. They also tend to cause a lot of trouble. Whether it be cheating on someone with someone, or shagging someone who’s cheating on someone or an unplanned pregnancy… It’s more hassle than it’s worth.

In truth, the vast majority of us think with a bit of all of them sometimes for better or worse. One notable thing I find is that none of them really seem to lead to happiness. The truly happy people are the people that don’t think at all. They’re too stupid and unaware of most things so not a great deal gets them down. Ignorance must truly be bliss.

I’m a man and I know nothing about cars. There, I’ve said it. There seems to be this common assumption that if you have a penis and a pair of testicles you must know about everything motor-related. I don’t. I do have a penis and a pair of testicles but I don’t know anything motor-related. On numerous occasions I’ve been in situations where some chap has started talking to me about cars and I’ve just nodded my head and smiled as the words float over my head and into nothingness. On the odd occasion that I do admit my ignorance it’s often followed by strange looks and a dismissal of my existence.

I do like cars. They’re good for driving. I even had one once and it was brilliant and getting me from A to B and sometimes C. When I went to purchase it I had to have another man – a proper man – with me to assess the vehicle and its suitability. He would push things and open things and ask about things while I just stood there with a look of genuine confusion of my face. When they engaged in conversation I felt as though I was watching a foreign film without the subtitles.

I once accompanied a girl friend (not girlfriend) of mine on her search for a new car. I’d already confessed my sheer stupidity when it comes to that sort of thing but I think she just wanted the company. At every dealer we went to the salesman directed everything he had to say in my direction. They were presumptuous about me and patronising towards my friend.

I’m not ashamed of knowing nothing about cars. I don’t find them interesting so I don’t feel a need to know about them. I just wish people wouldn’t assume I care about them and start telling me about what car they had/have/are going to get. I couldn’t possibly care less and I don’t understand the words emanating from their mouth. Please don’t talk to me about cars. And Top Gear is shit as well.


Posted: 17/11/2010 in The Calculator
Tags: , ,

People don’t read books anymore. It seems everyone is so consumed with social network sites and awful television “talent” shows that the idea of settling down with piece of literature is an unappealing one. I’ve heard many people proudly claim they “don’t read books” as if reading is something only nerds and loners do. I find this point of view pretty pathetic and rather worrying. We’re living in a world of instant gratification and reading a book doesn’t appear to fit the bill which I think is a shame.

Nothing can trigger your imagination better than a good book. No film or television programme has ever made me feel as tense, scared or made me laugh as much as some books have. It doesn’t have to be fiction. Some autobiographies are fascinating insights to the lives and careers of some brilliant people. You don’t get such intimate details from an interview on a chat show.

Reading expands the mind greater than any other medium. You’ll get more out of one book than you will out of 24 hours of television. It will expand your vocabulary, open your mind to new ideas and you’ll feel a great sense of achievement once you’ve read the final word on the last page. There’s a reason there’s an assumption that people who read books must be more intelligent and that’s because they are more intelligent because they read books. You don’t read books because you’re intelligent, you’re intelligent because you read books. People who “don’t read books” sound infinitely thick a lot of the time.

I’m not saying all people that choose not to read books are stupid, I’m just saying that most of them are. Maybe you’re happy in your ignorance but I feel you should be enlightened. You’re missing out.

I love words. Without words this blog would be somewhat pointless. I think most people have favourite words that they just love saying or writing and I’m no different. The only problem is that my favourite words tend to have horrible meanings or connotations. I don’t often have the opportunity to use my favourite words in conversation unless I’m talking to someone about my favourite words. This is mainly because nearly all of my favourite words are extremely taboo.

For example, my absolute favourite word is ‘necrophilia’ (def. sexual attraction for or sexual intercourse with dead bodies). It’s a beautiful word and a joy to say. Unfortunately it’s not something that often crops up in conversation. In fact I can honestly say I’ve never been conversing with someone when the subject of fucking dead people has cropped up. I wouldn’t necessarily want to have that conversation with someone about that either but a part of me thinks that’s a massive shame because it’s such a wonderful word.

‘Paedophilia’ (def. a sexual attraction to children) is another great word. Again, not a great topic of conversation with friends. ‘Paedo’ makes an occasional appearance as an insult in a jokey context if someone is in some way associated with anyone under 18 but ‘paedo’ isn’t one of my favourite words. I think what I like about paedophilia – as with necrophilia – is the ‘ophilia’ bit. It’s lovely sounding. You could put ‘ophilia’ on the end of any word and it makes it infinitely better. Pigophilia (def. a love of pig based foods like bacon, sausages and pork). ‘Clubophilia’ (def. an interest in joining clubs /or/ an addiction to small crappy chocolate biscuit things). ‘Bedophilia’ (def. laziness).

‘Chlamydia’ (def. any of several common, often asymptomatic, sexually transmitted diseases caused by the microorganism Chlamydia trachomatis) is another one of my absolute favourite words. If only it wasn’t for the fact it’s the name given to a symptomless STD, I genuinely think it would be a nice name to give a baby girl. ‘Chlam’ for short. Be honest, the more you think about it the more you agree…

‘Cunt’ (def. Offensive, used as a disparaging term for a woman) is seen by many as the most vulgar and offensive swear word and that’s fair enough. However, what a fucking fantastic word. I love it. No other word is able to encapsulate anger so brilliantly. As long as it’s used sparingly it can have a really big impact. It doesn’t just have to be used in anger either, it’s equally brilliant when used in a light-hearted manner. At the end of the day it’s just a word and a great word to say. It’s not only great because of its meaning, it really is just a joyous word to say. It’s short, effective and punctuated brilliantly with an emphatic ‘T’.

I don’t really understand how a word can be offensive unless it’s used in an offensive context or in a derogatory manner. ‘Cunt’ isn’t offensive unless someone is calling you a cunt with the intention of insulting you. But then by the rule, ‘silly billy’ can also be offensive. ‘Nigger’ is an example of a plain offensive word due to all of the connotations associated with it but words like that are few and far between.

I’ve been trying to think of words I love that don’t have some sort of taboo attached to them and I can only think of one… ‘Spectacularly’.

So there you have it. It’s such a shame I don’t get to say these words on a day-to-day basis in conversation with people. They’re such beautiful words. The only way I can see all of these words coming together in a discussion is if a paedophile riddled with chlamydia has sex with a little dead girl and it makes national news. Fingers crossed! (Too far?)

PS. I don’t think I can find any picture suitable to accompany this post. Please note I’m only fond of the words and not their meanings or connotations.