Hello. My name is Simon and this is my new blog. I had a blog before but I abandoned it when my laptop broke and never really returned. I’d like to think it was quite good for the most part but I did become quite lazy with it over time, posting more and more arbitrary crap, so I thought I’d start afresh. I’m hoping to be more focused with this one. I aim to entertain with a mix of opinion and anecdote. There is a good chance I’ll re-post some of my favourite entries from my previous blog but generally this will be completely new. Welcome to ‘Simon’s Involuntary Euthanasia Dance Calculator’.

I guess I should start by explaining the title. My old blog – ‘No Offence Unintended’ – was a reference to a headline in a fictional magazine from a TV sitcom. A reference so obscure that you wouldn’t even notice it unless you bought the DVD of the show and looked through the fancy booklet that accompanied it. This blog is also titled after a rather obscure reference. It’s taken from a spoof interview between Stewart Lee and Armando Iannucci that was broadcast via the red button following ‘Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle’. Armando quizzes Stewart on Stewart’s ideas for future TV shows. ‘Stewart Lee Just Wants to Dance’, ‘”Give Me the Lifestyle of St. Augustin” with Stewart Lee’ and ‘Stewart Lee’s Pineapple Ballads’ all precede one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard; ‘Stewart Lee’s Involuntary Euthanasia Dance Calculator’. So there you have it. I could not possibly have titled this blog anything else.

I’m not going to bore you by listing all of my hobbies and interests as hopefully that will become rather apparent the more that I write. There’s nothing more tedious than reading a list of what bands someone likes or what their favourite TV programmes are. Who gives a fuck if I love Radiohead and adore Peep Show? Given that I do love Radiohead and adore Peep Show, you can expect to read something about them in the future, but there will be no list.

Notice I wrote the word ‘fuck’ in the last paragraph. There will be swearing throughout this blog. I’m aware that some people find swearing quite offensive but I think a good ‘fuck’ or a well-placed ‘cunt’ can elevate a sentence to levels no other words can. I don’t mean to offend anyone and I don’t particularly like it when I do. I’m not racist or sexist or any other kind of “ist” but I do have issues with obesity and illiteracy among other things. So if you’re a fat cunt that can’t spell then maybe this blog isn’t for you.

I think this should suffice as an introductory post. Over the coming weeks this blog will expand and attain more life. There will be pictures and videos and everything. For now, though, I’ll leave you with this simple greeting.

Hope to see you again soon.

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