“[There’s] not much point ever trying to reach a mass audience with anything interesting and provocative. You just run the risk of being misunderstood on a large scale” – Stewart Lee

I love this quote and I think in many ways it’s relatable to me. Now I’m not claiming I’m in any way particularly interesting or provocative but that’s not to say it isn’t something I strive for. I like to put forward a different point of view and I can seem outspoken in the manner in which I go about it but that doesn’t mean I think I’m superior to anyone or I don’t think anyone else has a right to their own point of view. I often have it said to me or about me that I’m very self-opinionated and “up myself” and consequently I’m disliked by a lot of people. This upsets me because I don’t think it fairly represents who or what I really am and due to the fact I’m actually quite self-deprecating and often in search of the approval of others, I’m taking the time to post my thoughts and feelings on the situation in the hope I can alter people’s perception of me.

The first thing I’d like to say is I’m not particularly smart or clever. I’m always getting people telling me how intelligent I am and I can’t for the life of me see what they’re basing that on. I have very few qualifications due to my expert skills in procrastination and sheer laziness and I would feel immediately out of my depth if ever I was locked in conversation with a group of genuine academics. I think the one thing I do have going for me is I’m reasonably articulate. Being able to articulate something half-decently can certainly make you seem to others as if you’re talking from an intellectual standpoint but in reality that doesn’t mean anything. Just because I like to read books and expand my vocabulary doesn’t mean I’m suddenly intelligent nor does it mean I think I am.

One thing I can’t stress enough is how stuck-up I am not. Sure, I have strong opinions against things such as religion and spirituality, the exploitation of vulnerable wannabees on reality TV shows and obesity, but no more than the people that argue for those things. I do my best to back-up all of opinions with as much information and reasoning as possible so it makes my point as strong as it could be. That’s what an opinion is. I don’t make blank statements or judgments based on no understanding of the subject in hand. Of course I believe my opinions are correct, that’s why they’re my opinions. Everyone has their own opinions and I think that’s a wonderful thing. I love debating certain subjects and I don’t necessarily back down easily but if everyone did do that then what would happen to debates? I certainly don’t think or claim that everything I say is gospel. It’s merely a point of view that I hope may be worth thinking about. One thing I do ensure before saying or writing anything is that I’ve looked at as many points of view as possible before forming my own. I do fear that a lot of people don’t do that.

Another thing I get a lot is that I come across as sneering and condescending. I’m sorry if that’s the case as it’s completely unintentional. I don’t look down on anyone and certainly don’t believe I’m superior to anyone. I don’t discriminate or think differently of anyone regardless of their race, gender or sexuality. I also wouldn’t look down on someone just because they enjoy Mrs Brown’s Boys or Michael McIntyre doing stand-up but what I like to do is try and encourage people to see the things that aren’t spoon-fed through the mainstream, things like The Thick of It and Richard Herring. And it’s fine for people not to enjoy those things but I feel sad if they don’t even consider checking them out. The same way I feel sad when people refuse to read books or embrace the brilliance of many podcasts, but that doesn’t automatically mean I therefore think I’m superior because I immerse myself in these things while someone else is writing a Facebook status about how they can’t believe that someone has been voted off of The X Factor over someone else.

Something else I’d like to point out is I never talk about or judge people’s personal situations and private affairs. I don’t gossip about people or make any effort at all to interfere in people’s personal lives. It isn’t my concern and therefore isn’t of interest to me. A lot of the people who judge and criticise me for being judgmental and critical are all too happy to throw in their 2 bob’s worth when it comes to other people’s affairs. On occasions these people have gone public with what they think about other people and other people’s lives. I never do that and I’d never be that intrusive. Only my very closest friends hear my opinions on their own personal matters and that’s only if they ask. I don’t feel the need or desire to interfere in other people’s business and I think it’s rather vulgar when people do. Isn’t that worse than me feigning anger at the constant misuse of there, their and they’re?

There is a post on this blog that I’d like to take this opportunity to address as I feel it’s related to everything I’ve been talking about. ‘Fat Rant’ is a piece I wrote a few years ago on my old blog and transferred over to this one. It’s always been the thing that has attracted the most visitors to this blog and that’s why I’m reluctant to remove it just yet. It’s also by far and away the most controversial thing I’ve ever written. A lot of people have told me they love it and a lot of people have told me they hope I die and that my mum and sister get raped, etc, etc… My thoughts about it? I hate it. I think it’s a horrible piece of writing. There was serious point I was trying to get across but I undermined it spectacularly with cheap, sneering jokes and an overly-aggressive and ridiculing tone. I would never write something like that now and I sincerely apologise to anyone who’s offended by it. As I mentioned, the sole reason I still have it published on here is because it attracts so many visitors.

To reiterate the key points of this post; I’m not “up myself”, I never mean to sound condescending, I respect everyone’s opinions, I don’t attack anyone on a personal level and I’m ashamed of my ‘Fat Rant’. I do try to be interesting and provocative but I apologise if I’ve come across as a horrible person. I can honestly say that isn’t who or what I am and I will do my best to work on my delivery so not to be misunderstood to such an extent.  I don’t know if any of this is going to alter people’s perception of me but I sincerely hope it does.


I deactivated my Facebook account the other day. I’ll probably reactivate it again at some point but for the time being I can honestly say I’m not missing it. I’m surprised by this because Facebook had practically become a significant part of my daily routine. It was pretty much the first and last thing I would look at every day not to mention the dozen or so times I’d check it throughout. What I found though is it was increasingly irritating me. Not the website itself because it’s a very good social medium but the people on it were becoming unbearable. Not everyone obviously but enough people to convince me that I’d had enough of it.

The things that really irritated me were the endless pictures of people dying of cancer, pictures of baby scans, pictures of babies, song lyrics as statuses, statuses about how much someone loves their family, statuses about how they’re going to make a big change in their life (the people who write that do so every couple of weeks), terrible grammar, application invites and event invites to gigs I’m never going to attend. I also get really annoyed by some of the things that people like that I really hate. Things like Britain’s Got Talent, The Only Way is Essex, Mrs Brown’s Boys and Lee Evans. It makes me angry that people like those things and that is fundamentally my problem but I can’t help it.

Some of the things some people post on Facebook are really useful and/or entertaining. I like an intentionally funny or clever status update and I like it when people post things that are topical and interesting. I like it when people  post links to things I may not have read or seen before that I can check out for myself. I like it when people write about football because it interests me. I like it when girls come back from their holiday in a hot country and post pictures of themselves in their bikinis. I like the fact you can chat to people easily and send messages without having to trawl through a digital phone book. There are many aspects to Facebook that I do like but at the most the cons far outweigh the pros and my life hasn’t changed a great deal without it.

Twitter is a different story. I am hooked to Twitter. It’s far more truly social than Facebook is and it’s an incredibly useful tool when it comes to news and gossip. It also filters out the copious amounts of shit you can’t avoid on Facebook. I’m certain it’s all still there but you can go your whole time on Twitter without ever having to encounter it. Among the people I know, only a relatively small number of them are on Twitter. An even smaller number of them actually use it which I think is a shame. I understand how it can be difficult to adapt to it at first (I had my own difficulties to begin with) but if you persist you will soon come to terms with its brilliance and embrace it wholeheartedly.

The only problem with me not being on Facebook at the moment is that I’m not able to post the link to this blog on there. If hardly anyone reads this then I may have to re-evaluate my situation but if you could perhaps share it for me then I’ll be extremely grateful.

1. I would like to see Jeremy Clarkson as Prime Minister. Or King. Or fucking ruler of the universe. What with his brilliantly politically incorrect musings and satirical metaphors about… whatever it is he talks about (I rarely listen) he would surely succeed where so many others have failed.

2. I would like to see Jeremy Clarkson brutally murdered by four homosexual men (4 Poofs and a Piano?), who batter him to death with their erect penises, and then I’d like to see him be fed to his children while his wife masturbates over the whole thing.

Just a couple of varying opinions about Jeremy Clarkson there to show I’m not biased. Obviously I wouldn’t wish for either to be true but it’s just a joke, Jeremy.

Call me cynical but I can’t for the life of me understand the point of an advent calendar. Actually, that’s not true. I understand that an advent calendar is used to count down the days to the Nativity of Jesus at Christmas and I appreciate that this has a significance for Christians, but for everyone else? Really?

I know you don’t have to be a Christian to enjoy Christmas despite it being a religious festival. I realise the commercialisation factor has elevated/reduced it (depending on your point of view) to simply a day to buy expensive presents, eat far too much food and argue with family members you don’t particularly enjoy the company of. People are excited by this. I’m not but I know other people are. However, I still don’t understand how opening a little door made of card with a snotty little chocolate behind it, enhances this excitement in any way.

Don’t get me wrong, I love chocolate. If I ate as much chocolate as I would like to eat then I could easily be as fat as those women that people apparently come on this site to see. Chocolate is great. A bar of chocolate is great. A proper, decent-sized chocolate bar that is pure oral pleasure for the minute or so it takes to eat it. It doesn’t take a minute to eat a chocolate from an advent calander. It doesn’t even take a mouthful to eat a chocolate from an advent calendar. And people do it first thing in the morning. I don’t know any other time of the year where someone would wake up first thing in the morning and start munching on chocolate. It’s not a morning food.

I have nothing against doors either. I use doors all the time. They’re bloody brilliant. They open, they close, they serve a purpose. I can’t rate doors highly enough. However, tiny doors made of card scattered upon a larger, rectangular piece of card are not my cup of tea. Opening one of those doors serves no purpose to me. Sure, it counts down the days until Christmas but then so does a normal calendar. And everything else around us that incessantly reminds us how many days there are to go until Christmas. You can’t fail to know how many days remain. Even if you didn’t want to know, you’d know.

I always thought advent calendars were for children. Christmas is much more magical when you’re a child and it certainly helps generate the hysteria around this single day of the year. But I don’t know any children and I’ve still seen advent calendars in homes where my friends live and I know other people – adult people – who have one or plan to have one. It annoys me a bit. Adults should not be buying advent calendars for themselves. They just shouldn’t.

By this point you’ve either agreed with everything I’ve said or you think I’m a grumpy, miserable, bitter sod who just wants to suck the joy out of everything. I realise that the majority will be thinking the latter. I just think you should know that my problem isn’t with Christmas or people who like and enjoy Christmas, it’s with advent calendars. They’re crappy pieces of cardboard filled with crappy quality and quantities of chocolate. Some have toys or gifts! And the toys and gifts are shit. If you’re that desperate for measely amounts of chocolate and rubbish toys then buy Kinder Eggs in bulk and fill your boots.